My Blog

in love, you don’t get to choose. You just fall and end up with someone in front of you who’s so wrong or not even your type; yet it feels so incredibly right…

“f u don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. f u don’ t ask, d answer is always no. f u don’t step forward, ur alwayz in d same place. take risk and enjoy lyf”

i got this text message from a good friend in teletech, nothing special but it hit me though because it was the very same thought i was pondering on as i went home from a graveyard shift.

it has been a long time since i ask for something. and it’s an embarrassment to say that i haven’t been praying for a long time now. It seems that i have been contented or i should say immune with my troubled life. If someone would examine my life, that someone would say its a pity, but on the other hand, if you analyze it further, someone would conclude that i am too proud.

Proud? how come? because i am too proud to ask. too proud to pray. others may say im a happy person but when the lights down low, and im alone, i feel empty. that eventhough im able to give a portion of my salary to my family, still i feel i havent give them enough yet. that even though i enjoy being single, still im longing for someone i can hold in my arms. that eventhough i can handle myself in times of trouble, still im wishing someone will protect me.

sigh. maybe it’s time to surrender. give in to my weaknesses. and let GOD be my strength. And so now i lay down all my defenses. It’s time to lift my prayer. because im only human. and i have the privilege to be called HIS child and i claim it. I surrender Lord. and so I offer you my prayers:

* i pray that God send me the right person who’ll love me and i’ll love just the same.

* i pray that i will be able to provide for my family.

* i pray GOd put me in a situation wherein i and this accenture guy  will get to know each other. (yahhoo!!)

* i pray that GOD knocks to whom i just named restitution  to find in his heart to forgive me for all the things i done and hurtful words i said.

* i pray that the friendship i found with this new person will last for a lifetime eventhough we’re not seeing each other that often and we’re only communicating only thru text during weekends.

* i pray that GOD will create a situation for me and this friend of mine to talk over our misunderstandings and be friends again.

* i pray for my brother in singapore. that he’ll be safe and happy. i hope he’ll send me singapore souvenir shirts on christmas. and i pray that he’ll overcome his financial troubles here in the phil.

* i pray all of us wave 16a  will past nesting …

…there will be more to come… hah!

i can say i love surrendering… Ü

i was minding my own thing when i noticed this guy. i was so focused with each and every call i received when all he could do was to passed by in my station. he was a floorwalker i guess during that time, then became a TL bigtime.

it was march 08 when i was awarded as an ELITE agent, thats when i also started to realize my hardwork was all worth it.  and then i started to be visible when it was very ironic because i was sitting at the very corner and very isolated station that the person sitting beside me was from a different account already. thats how far i was. Good thing happened to good person i guess.  Maybe God let that happen plus the fact that my TL didnt like me or maybe thats how i felt during that time. Sooo outcast! until that award came. Everything becomes different from then on. Sometimes, you have to prove yourself in silence first before people recognize you… A sadistic hurtful truth!

And so, after all the months i stayed in the account and after my eyebags sets in, i had to brag thru one of today’s english idioms ”when it rains, it pours”, at last i had my very first vacation leave (yahooo!)

of course i enjoyed it so much, im not so sure if i was the first one in my wave who took the very first VL, it was ironic as well because i was the last person who were endorsed to the production from nesting 2.

anyway, when i came back from just one day VL, thats when i noticed him, doing a supcall and then when i went to my friends station, he looked my way.  it was so strange the way glanced at me. But of course, being a low profile kind of personality i am, i just didnt let myself mind it.

and days passed by, he kept on being visible in the floor. sometimes or i think more than often he would do supcall with the person next to me. i wonder how his voice sounds like. he’s not that attractive i guess to some people, he’s not the guy next door type but a boy just got home from school hehehe kidding aside, the most interesting feature on his face was his big mole at then end of his eyebrows, or much more like piolo pascual have. they say people have it is quite intelligent. you know, i always find myself attracted with intelligent guys despite… but he seems to be very appealing at least for me…

i told my friend about him, and then she said she also noticed him always passing by. and then strange that we always looked at each other or maybe i catched him looking at me… let me say i always looked forward of seeing him every shift… until now…

if there was enough time for us to stay in our station maybe we’ve known each other now… but i think he’s not  the type who’ll do the first move. so id rather forget my crazy fantasy.
after how many months, i still feel the same thing for him… not that deep but definitely not just a passing fancy… hoping he’ll approach me and get my name and my number well not until i saw him with a girl in the pantry, that was after my shift… we saw him with my friend. wow! i didnt know i would feel this way… how would you feel when you lose someone you never had?  as i went home, i wanted to cry as the scene lingers in my memory…

as i write this blog, i hope my memory consider him like a wind who once gave me a fresh air to breathe and then passes me by…  as the song goes “knew the sign, wasnt right, i was stupid for awhile, swept away by you and now i feel like a fool,so confused, my heart bruised… i dont know what’s NEX….T Ü

just when i thought i was over you…
rome 5.27.08

i had a bad dream about this guy…
to make the story short…he was dead…
but only in my dreams…
it has been 4 years…
how come i can still remember him in my mind more vividly…

just the past two weeks or three…
i discover something…
that he was with this girl…
the girl i knew he was having an affair…
i was right all along…

i have nothing against him anymore…
i think i have finally forgiven him…
though they say that to forgive with your mind…
is different from forgiving in your heart…

i just hope all is well with him…
i hope his taking care of himself…
and that girl is taking care of him…
maybe thats my dream was all about…

that he was dead…
that he’s no longer here in my heart…
that he’s no longer a part of it…
i hope i will never be bother of the things about him…

i already buried him in my thoughts.
but it seems his name was engraved or carved into it…
i have to stop longing that one day he’ll be back…
that fate already chose a different path for both of us…

and it will never cross again…
ever…

well, maybe nothing can compare to the most difficult person in my life, that is my younger brother.

all of the description that was on the list above fits my brother, selfish, possesive, constantly angry, annoying etc. sometimes i think God really made a human being closer enough to turn my good day into a bad one.

i tried talking it over to him a lot. He doesnt listen to my explanations and it turned out that he was the one giving me the sermon instead of me giving it to him. he hates me whenever i have some achievement. whenever i talked about it in the family about what i received in school, and now at work, he really locked the door of his room,blag! and doesnt wanna hear my stories.

before we used to fight a lot, but i got really tired of him, plus the fact that i don’t feel it was worth arguing with him. until i realized that i became more patient and strong because of him. i became more resilient and maybe he is wondering why im not the way i am now compared to what i was before towards him.

but somehow, i pity him. because as i grow, he’s not. he blame others because of what he is now. which is wrong. i hope one day God will be on his side too. i hope one day he would feel the Love of God for him. i can only do so much to make him realize that God loves him and he can change his life and perspective in life. I think one way of expressing his loneliness is through anger. but i think thats a wasteful emotion. He should know that he is also responsible of taking care of his soul. there has been lots of hurtful things he did to me but this time, i wont allow him anymore.

I pray to God he will be renewed in spirits.

Somebody By Luigi

"LOVE is patient, kind without envy. It is not boastful or arrogant. It is not ill mannered, nor does it seek its own interest. Love overcomes anger and forgets offenses. It does not take delight in wrong but rejoices in the truth. Love excuses everything, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." — From the Letters of Paul to the Corinthians, book 13, verses 4-7

I guess the only thing we wish to find in this life is love. True love. From the darkest shadows of our loneliness to the brightest corners of our joy, it calls us. We yearn for it. Even go to great lengths to find it. We search for it and try to make it ours. A love that exceeds all beauty and all expectations, for that true love creates beauty in itself but does not set expectations that limit it to what love is not.

I really would like to fall in love. Someday. I hope it would be true. I hope it would not be marred by what I consider to be "ideal" for me. She who would be tall, beautiful, smart and possessing other admirable qualities of a perfect woman. She would linger in my dreams and on the verge of lucidity where I hope my true love lies. But somehow I know it’s not like that. Somehow, I would like to believe that love is something more than that. Not somebody to die for, like in the movies, but somebody to live for in the realities of everyday life. Somebody. And sometimes, if not most of the times in the loneliness of my room, I would almost settle for anybody. Anybody, to take away the pain I face everyday. Anybody, to lend a listening ear. Anybody, who would give a damn that I existed. But anybody isn’t that Somebody whom I know is out there, waiting, just for me. Somebody who wouldn’t mind what I am on the outside, but who would see me for what I am on the inside. Somebody who would care, not because of the limited advantages I have, but because of the shortcomings I try to hide, that she would willingly bear herself. Somebody whom I wouldn’t notice for the perfect smile she carries, but for the smile I make when I see her. Somebody who would make me cry not because she loves me not, but because she does and the logic of it would escape me, leading to an unanswerable "Why?". Somebody I do not have. When I was a kid, love was defined by the movies. Watching two extremely unlikely (yet highly attractive) people falling in love, I thought love happened when the soundtrack started in the background. Love was sleeping beauty and prince charming wrapped in each other’s arms. Sweet mushy lines spewed like an unstoppable flood culminating in the definitive kiss that sent the entire audience swooning. That was love. Or so I thought until I fell in love myself. And the experience made me believe that there is no such thing as love. That love only exists in movies and fairy tales. That the love I had right then and there was as bogus as actors who play roles and drop scripts after the play had run its course. It led me to believe that the love I have been dreaming for had nothing of value at all. That love is a fallacy, and love is a farce. Despair overcame my thoughts, for the thing called "love" became a machination of my fantasies, and that my dreams meant nothing. Reality and the world around me seemed to agree. Divorce. Broken homes. Break-ups. Somehow, they proved a point that love is fleeting and unkind. Arguments and counter arguments based on reality told me that the great love I have been searching for is a lie. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have loved anyone, so that I wouldn’t be hurt. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared my soul, for it only led to pain. Maybe love is not worth living for after all, but should be discarded with in death. Or so I thought again. Because I was wrong. Love isn’t what I thought I could receive, but what I could give. Love isn’t in a kiss or the caress of a body, but in the thought of peace that fills the soul. Love isn’t attraction or admiration, but a decision to live by for the rest of one’s life. Love isn’t backed up by a soundtrack, but the true music of love is played between two hearts alone. Because even in despair there was still something I had. Even in the shadows of a tumultuous memory, something was shining through. That even if I’ve been hurt, that even if I’ve been scared, I still had hope. A hope that one true love would come my way. A hope that burns every night as I go to sleep and whisper my prayers, that someday, somewhere, somehow, someone is out there for me. And that someday, somewhere, somehow, that someone would be with me and I would be with her. It burns in me stronger everyday, for I know that as the days pass, so does the time when I would be with my one true love. And that is worth living for.

s.i.g.h. by rome 5/4/08

its another melancholic sunday afternoon. and my head aches that i could hardly sleep. my head seems to burst with lots of things running on my mind again. i opened up the television and saw beautiful people. beautiful people with the help of science and doctors, and of course with the help of their money. enough of this. i have to switch on my radio. find myself humming love songs from the 80’s. i can still remember that feeling. the symptoms of being inlove. i miss those highschool years and college days when i used to have lots of crushes. inspirations. i miss those days. after that i dont remember what happened. it seems that there were gap in my memory between those days and the moment i am right now. it makes me sigh. its been awhile since i was interested in a guy. its been awhile that i was so inspired. they say that love heats up in times of summer. they say people do fall in love as intense as the sun burns our skin. sigh. i have a hard time reconciling the girl i was then with the woman i am now. so many things happened. so many feelings. experience. anger. hurt. so many reasons not to love. so many reasons to hate. a friend of mine told me to escape from reality and live in fantasy even for just a little while. she told me i was so realistic that i almost forget to have fun during the ride. blame it on the past. blame it on the hurt ive had. a line in a certain song caught me…. the best things in life are free… how true. i think if i had been loved and cared for differently, i would have been a different person. i may have not be too cautious about life. sigh. i miss being so inlove. not just with the idea of it. but the thought that someone is always there for you. always there to make you happy. no dull moment. someone who never cease to amaze you. i never knew that it would hurt so bad to lose someone you never had. someone you just noticed and then walk away. there are certain things that are beyond are limitations and control. and if it is gone , you can do nothing but be strong enough to let go. maybe a part of loving is letting go. so sad. really sad. i think God doesnt want us to be unhappy. God doesnt want us to succumb to loneliness. so why hang on to this life? when theres a better place to live with… sigh. whatever happens, im still hoping. Hoping is not expecting, hoping is telling myself things are gonna get better. by the time i met him, i still hope i have saved the best of me for him!

sigh.

She’s very educated, very literate, very smart, very articulate. And I don’t see myself any of these things.

"God must have been in anguish the moment He let you look into that man’s face"

I was happy not knowing he was already taken. He should have not looked at me that way. He should have known where to stand and placed me where i should be. I should have not dreamt one day he would approach and ask me.

Ignorance is bliss as they say. I guess its true to someone like me. I was happy knowing he must be the one. But he was engaged to someone. I have no intention of destroying them. In fact, the minute i found out about the truth i knew i lost. Pain and sorrow is not new to me anymore. Somehow i will get used to this.

I’d be happy to just admire him in silence and to be amaze from a distance. I know that would be enough. Yes, ignorance is a bliss. I wish i have never known the truth.

Disappointment is not merely the result of living in an imperfect world. It is the result of imperfect plans, longings and requests. We want something or someone that would not be the best for us. But God, who has perfect knowledge, exercises His loving wisdom by not acceding to our desires. The emotional gap between longing for what we don’t have and not getting what we long for is called disappointment. The gap is closed when we substitute disappointment with faith: faith that our God knows best when to give and when not to. A faith that harbors no more illusions, freeing the child from disillusionment. ~ nelson dy (finding comfort)